I haven't written in awhile. I'm sorry. I dont think anyone necissarily reads this or anything, but i guess i have some weird feeling that my blog gets lonely if i dont write in it. It's like a journal that gets started and then you leave it behind. It looks so utterly empty when you go back to it, months, years, later. So i decided i need to start writing more.
I went to the beach today. It was beautiful. All of the masts of the sail boats, or whatever they were, were clanking together making the most beautiful ringing noise echo through out the beach in the wind. There was only a few clouds, and the sand was warm. The water wasn't cold, and almost see through. Lia, Michael, Joey, Will, Paul, and i all swam. we wrestled and laughed and screamed. beautiful. everyone, discluding paul, went back to joeys and sang and did what we usually do.
finally at the end, joey, lia and i laid down and watched the stars. i couldn't stop thinking. i told joey that if i had anyone to talk to i wouldn't know where to start. theres too much that i think. and he began to tell me about how he has nothing to say, and that he doesnt remember his thoughts. i remember them all. every single one of them. everytime i look up at that sky i am everywhere at once. every place i have ever seen those stars. and i either begin to feel infinite, or small.
Tonight i felt really small.
everything felt overwhelming. i started to think about how all the stars are so old that we look up and think 'oh how beautiful' but they are already dead. we are just so far away that what we are experiencing is their deaths, their explosion and disapearance from the universe. and i started to think about how sad that is, that what appears so beautiful is truly death.
and then about how the fact that if you took the strongest telescope and sat on mars, that you'd see the past. if you looked down you'd see all the cavemen. maybe you'd see war, maybe you'd see a death, a birth. you could witness the world through a telescope.
so i started to wonder about what existence is. and about how stuck up this country is, i mean americans in general speak of people needing to come here, because what, we're the best? then when you actually go somewhere else, you realize that this land, like just the land, isn't that great. travel to france, travel anywhere and meet the people, suddenly nothing feels as good. home doesn't feel like home when you live on foreign streets. and i started thinking about how in a few hundred years, people will have started over. i'm sure we've started over a billion times before. we max out potential and war breaks out because we cant have any revolutions, and we die out. we get recreated, and start from scratch.
maybe one day this won't be america. itll be something i can't pronounce, can't type, can't dream of.
or about how that because we are an ignorant being in general, and want to be dominant and the dominant species, that maybe we are all just apart of the same dollhouse, the sam sims game, on the tip of the same ice burg. maybe global warming is actually just getting set down in the sun by a little boy. and maybe, just maybe, we are so afraid of feeling small, that we block out seeing him.
and through thinking about that, i started to wonder if dreams and reality were one thing. or if what we say is dreams is really reality, and that we just don't know it. i started to wonder about color and how no one really knows what color is. because to me pink is pink, but anyone can point to a shade and say this is pink, and everyone will accept it, because we can't describe pink. maybe we all see things differently then the other but accept one common reality. all that really exists is perception. there is one widely accepted reality, life, and then there is our minds, our thoughts, our dreams and aspirations and ideas. and that is why everything means something differently to one person and whatnot, because other than that one general acceptance, it is all your own.
and now, i have you wondering.
